Tips for guys on dating sites

I want to preface this by saying that I like guys. That’s the reason I’m on a dating site. I’d kinda like to find one of my own. If you’re a guy reading this, know that I’m not going to be mean (sarcastic, oh yes), and I really do want to help.

And boy do you need help.

Having spent a few weeks on Christian Mingle, I’ve noticed a few trends among the fellows whose profiles I have viewed. Below are a collection of my tips for guys who are trying to find that special lady on a dating site.

1. NO ONE looks good in a low-angle picture.

This is probably the most egregious assault on the eyes that I have noticed. I don’t understand what it is with guys and low-angle photos. Do you think that you’re going to look bigger and more powerful?

Because you don’t. You look dumb. Let me illustrate.

The below picture is me from today. I took it from a straight on angle.

jan-19-2017

I don’t normally take selfies, but I wanted to show my mom how the new shirt she bought me fit.

It’s not the best picture. My phone doesn’t really take good pictures. But it doesn’t have to be perfect. I look good enough in it.

Now let me show you a low-angle photo. Same basic smile and same outfit.

crap-pic

Blegh!

It’s not attractive. It’s never attractive. No one wants to look up your nose. Even if you don’t have them, this kind of photo makes you look like you have three chins.

So fellas, if you’re looking for Mrs. Right, avoid the low-angle photos.

2. Just have YOU in your main profile photo

I don’t know about other dating sites, but Christian Mingle lets you choose several photos, but there’s one main one that everyone will see. This ought to be your best photo, and more importantly, it needs be to just you.

There will be plenty of other photos that can show off your cool car or how fun you are with your friends. Your main profile photo is not the photo to do that in. I can’t tell you how many times I have clicked on someone’s profile, just to find out that the person I thought I was interested in was not the correct person out of the ten in the profile photo.

No one likes guessing games. Girls don’t like having to guess which guy she’s looking at. So just stick to you in the profile photo. Because if it’s more than one person, chances are that girls are going to decide to pass on you just to avoid the detective work.

3. Show your FACE in the profile

It’s a stereotype that guys are more visual than girls, and that’s true to a certain extent, but girls are looking for someone easy on the eyes as well. It’s all well and good to be attracted to someone’s mind and heart, but if we’re not also attracted to you physically, well… You’re probably out of luck.

Do not make your profile photo a picture of you on your bike in a motorcycle helmet, no matter how cool it looks. Don’t make it a picture of you, but from really far away, so that your face is indistinguishable. And for the love of God, do not make your profile picture a photo of your abs. We like abs, yes, but your face needs to be nice too.

This goes back to point I made in the last one. No one wants to go digging to find out what you look like.

Also, as a side note, make sure the photo you’re submitting fits the specs of the site. I have had to click on many a headless man to see what his face looks like because he didn’t bother to make sure I could see it. Crop your photos!

The take-away here: Faces are important.

4. Do not make your profile photo a picture of you and another girl your age

I don’t care if it’s your sister. I don’t care if it’s your cousin. I don’t care if it’s the best picture of you ever taken. Having a girl (especially just you and a girl) in your photo will make me think you’re unavailable.

This actually goes for all of your photos, and not just your profile photo. Especially if you don’t write a caption explaining who the girl is, that makes your profile an automatic no-go.

Again, crop your photos. We’ll understand a cropped photo.

Another side note: Maybe don’t make every picture a photo of you with your mom either. That’s… um, a tad bit weird.

5. Don’t lie on your profile

lying malarkey.gif

Biden memes will long outlive the Obama years. And rightly so.

If you aren’t a brain surgeon, don’t say you’re a brain surgeon. If you are in brain surgery school, that’s cool. Just don’t call yourself a brain surgeon. There are few things that ladies hate more than lying.

By the way, it’s possible to lie in your pictures. If every photo of you is you with your very attractive friends, and you’re not a particularly attractive guy, then you’re probably relying on girls thinking your friends are you (or at least, that’s what we’ll think). And that’s obnoxious.

Look, I get it. I’m not a supermodel. I don’t always like how I look. But don’t try to hide who you are, whether that’s in how you look or what you’re like as a person. If you’re on a site like this for the right reasons, then you want someone to message you and eventually fall in love with you for who you are, not who you’re pretending to be.

6. Fill out all the questions

In the same vein of “girls want to know who you are,” go ahead and fill out any questions that the site asks you. Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

Sure there have been times when I’ve read something someone wrote that made me uninterested, but there have been many more times when I just couldn’t find out anything about them, so I decided that it wasn’t worth it. Don’t give a girl a reason to turn away.

Personally, for me, politics is very important. I’m quite conservative, so I likely wouldn’t be able to date a liberal for very long (maybe a little bit, if he was really cute. Just being honest here). I have found myself reading someone’s bio and made it to the politics section and found nothing, and then I just decided not to keep looking.

You want to give the ladies you want to attract a reason to be attracted to you beyond the physical motivation. Like I said before, girls aren’t as visually-oriented as guys are. We need the physical attraction, but we also need to be attracted to the mind and heart more.

7. Smile!

Don’t look like you’re depressed to be there. Everyone likes to see people happy. I won’t begrudge you your sexy, debonair, smolder stare, but don’t make that every picture.

smolder.gif

Unless you’re Grant Gustin, of course.

8. Do NOT make a joke profile

Most of these I’ve seen are from younger guys. I’m sure they think it’s funny. But yeah, not so much for people who are really looking. Or maybe I don’t share your sense of humor.

Just don’t do it, okay? It’s super annoying.

***

That’s about all I can think of right now. I sincerely hope this list is helpful for some guys. And girls, if you find yourself violating any of these tips, then you might want to change too. I’m sure girls have their own annoying issues on dating sites, but I wouldn’t know. I’m not looking for a lady.

I want a manly man.

manly man wolverine.gif

Yeah, like that.

Do you have any dating site tips? Let me know in the comments.

Things I’ve learned to value in 2016

The year 2016 is fast approaching its glorious end. It’s been a wild year, but not a bad one, mostly, for me. I’m not sure the world is better off than it was at the beginning of the year (then again, we’re getting rid of Obama, so…), so here’s to 2017 being a little more, um, sane? And here’s a list of things I’ve learn to greater appreciate this year.

1. My left big toenail

Of all of the body parts to cause me massive amounts of problems this last year, my left big toe has probably been the most consistently annoying. It’s been a problem for the last couple years, but the last couple of months have made me wish the little bugger would just fall off and stop hurting me.

But see, I’ve also come to realize that there’s a reason that we have toenails. Mine was only just starting to come back before my doctor unceremoniously cut it back off again a few days ago. So that means I have lived a few months with no big toenail. And let me tell you, it sucks. When people step on your toes or you stub a toe, yeah it hurts, but it hurts a whole lot more when there’s no nail to protect it.

So now, I still want the darn thing to come back and not look really stupid (fat chance). I value it more, but I also resent it more.

2. Non-insane politics

It’s not just me, right? This last year was crazier than usual? I mean, I know that I’m only 20, so I don’t remember most election years. Maybe they’re all like this. Who knows, maybe it’s always been this way, but I became politically conscious around 2008, and I don’t remember this much insanity then.

This past election was like a reality TV show, which I realizeĀ probably had something to do with the candidates. This was the year the media really showed who they really were, and a good portion of America collectively said “Screw you, we’ll take the psycho you don’t like.” I have to wonder how many people voted Trump out of spite alone.

Dear God, please don’t let this happen again next election cycle.

3. Positive people

In a year that was full of negativity, it was a blessing to find people who were trying to stay positive. I clung to people who could see everything that was going on this last year and still smile about it. Those who could still laugh at all this made this year a little more bearable.

Speaking of laughing…

4. SJWs

I know what you’re thinking, how could you learn to value social justice warriors? The answer is easy: they’re flipping hilarious.

I mean, have you seen the way they reacted when Trump won? The looting and burning wasn’t so funny, but the TEARS and the WHINING, bloody hilarious. I learned a new word in 2016: Shadenfreude.This was year they all collectively lost their minds, and It. Was. Glorious.

10/10 would tick them off again.

5. Books

I miss books. Being in college, for me, usually means not reading a whole lot. I’m the kind of person who can’t just sit down and read a few pages of a good book. It’s finish or bust, and finish sometimes means staying up till 3 in the morning. I can’t really do that when I have an 8:15 am class the next day. Sleep is a good thing. Which reminds me:

6. Sleep

I’m a college student. Do I need to say more?

7. Classes that start after 9 am

My class schedule sucks donkey balls next semester. I have 8:15 classes EVERY DAY, and I am not a morning person. I’m hardly human before 10 am. I’ll also be spending more money on gas, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to wake up at 6 am to catch the hour-long, bumpy shuttle to Liberty’s campus. I like living off-campus, but not being able to walk to class in the morning is a bit of a pain.

The only good news is that I’ll be done by 2pm every day. I am seeing a lot of naps in my future.

What have you learn to value more in 2016? Let me know in the comments.

Let me tell you about my demon toe

I went to the podiatrist again today. This journey started a few months ago when I got my toenail ripped off by a kid at camp. Well, to be fair, the whole saga of my ridiculous toe probably started back a few years ago when I first got my toenail ripped off, and then a friend stepped on my toe at a Halloween party. And maybe broke it.

Regardless of where the story began, it continued today at the podiatrist’s office. This was supposed to be a follow up visit to see how my toenail was reforming. Unfortunately, it ended with the podiatrist yanking the the darn thing off again.

See, my toe has been hurting more and more over the last few months. It wasn’t ever very painful; just a persistent ache whenever I wore socks or shoes. The foot doc took one look at it when he came in, pushed down on the top of the nail, and said, “I think you have a bone spur. Let’s x-ray it.”

Guess what? No, you’ll never guess. Okay, I’ll tell you. I’ve got a bloody bone spur!

Of course, this being part of my ridiculous body, not only do I have a bone spur, I apparently have Satan’s big toe.

horny-toe

My official x-ray folks. Note the horn-like buggers on the end of the bone.

Yeah, I’ve got little horns of bone trying to literally PUSH OUT OF MY SKIN. Isn’t that just lovely?

Other than the trying to push out of skin part, the way the toe bone is curved up makes it so that when my toenail tries to grow out straight, it’s jamming into the skin. Hence why I needed to get a bunch of my toenail removed. AGAIN.

On top of that, I can’t get into the surgery that I’m going to need to for a few months. It’s going to take a month to schedule and 2-4 weeks to heal from. So they can’t get me in now, and after this month I’ve got a little thing called college to go back to. So I need to wait till summer.

I feel like I sound a little salty. Well, you would too if you’d been cursed with the demon toe from hell.

On the upside, the doc told me the pain from my minor surgery today should go down significantly by tomorrow. And then Christmas will only be three days away, so that’s nice. After that I’ve only got to avoid grievously injuring my toe for a few months and I should be alright.

*Laughs nervously*

In which I complain about the ’66 Batman movie

I have just watched the movie that reinvented the word “campy.” I’m working on a research project for college that required watching a lot of Superhero movies. I had to pick from certain decades, so I picked the most famous ones I knew of. Of course, that meant I had to watch the 1966 Adam West Batman movie.

And it was painful.

In stead of wasting more time putting effort into writing a well thought out review about it, I figured I’d share my grumpy Facebook posts and let you discover what I thought of the movie that way

  1. Before the campiness really set in hard.

batman-1_li

2. Seriously, how he figured out half of this stuff is the real mystery.batman-2_li

3. I think he used the weapons as, well, weapons, like once.batman-3_li

4. When I was starting to realize which circle of hell I’d managed to stumble into.batman-4_li

5. I wouldn’t have wanted my name in the credits for this movie.batman-5_li

6. Slowly slipping into a camp-induced coma.batman-6_li

7. I think I was in shock at this point.batman-7_li

8. The stupidity of this movie continued to astound me even this far in.batman-8_li

9. I mean, that’s pretty dumb, right?batman-9_li

10. When after more than an hour of pure cheese, I was finally released.batman-10_li

 

I’m creating this post while watching the 1978 Superman, which so far, beats the spandex off of both the ’66 Batman and the other Superman movie I watching today: Superman and the Molemen. Because that’s a thing that exists, apparently.

If you want to see more Superman/Batman grumping, head on over to my other blog and read my review of Dawn of Justice.

That time I almost died

You guys know I’m clumsy, and a lot of the time, I injure myself by doing stupid things. That said, the events that led to this title were NOT my fault. I swear. I did absolutely nothing to bring about my own pain. Except maybe not wear shoes.

My family was down in I’m thinking South Carolina at this time. We’d gone camping at a lake back when we still had a boat. And went camping. Man, I miss camping….

Anyway. My sister and I had gone down to the beach. We spent a while there before coming back for food. My parents had made hotdogs if I remember correctly. It was a few years ago, and I’ve have a few brain injuries since then, so I don’t remember everything clearly.

However, the one thing I DO remember was the feel of the little ant that bit my foot while I was using the hose to wash the sand off my feet. I can still feel that little bugger on the top of my left foot just below the ankle. I don’t remember if it was a fire ant or not, but man, it sure hurt like fire.

I was immediately distracted from the pain by the offering of juice and hotdogs. I thought that was the end of it. As you’ve read the title, you probably realize it wasn’t.

A few days later, back at home, I stared at the little red bite mark on my foot. Rather than fade, like most bug bites do, it had grown and was branching out. I playfully pointed it out to my mom, joking, “Hey, it looks like a stingray.” Indeed, the angry red mark had grown a tail that was creeping its way down to my big toe.

My mom looked at it and, in a rather uncharacteristic move for her, did not immediately rush me to the urgent care down the street. She rubbed some antibiotic ointment on top of it, remarking on how warm it was, and we soon forgot about it.

I was fine, apparently. The mark faded over time and eventually stopped hurting. The only odd thing was that every time my foot got warm, say by spending time in shoes or taking a shower, my little stingray came back. I was fascinated by it, but again, thought nothing of it.

It wasn’t until I went to a routine doctor’s appointment months later that I realized just how lucky I was. I had been wearing shoes at the time, and when I took them off, I noticed my stingray was back. On a lark, I decided to point it out to the doctor.

He was… quite alarmed. He asked how long I’d had it. I told him a few months, and he visibly relaxed and looked a little perplexed. He told me and my surprised mom that it was something called lymphangitis.

Simply enough, it’s an infection of the lymph vessels. The infection had spread a short distance down my foot, which was what caused the tail of my “stingray.” Left untreated, like we did, it often becomes a very serious condition and can kill people. Wikipedia says that people with lymphangitis should immediately be hospitalized and watched closely. I did neither.

At the very least, it should have been a lot worse. My doctor said I’d probably be fine, and (obviously) I was. To this day, I have no idea why it never spread anywhere else. I have no clue why it went away, other than maybe, against all evidence, I am just really lucky.

So yeah, the title is a little bit of an over-statement, but only a little one. *Winks*

And if you’re curious, yes, years later, the spot still comes back if my foot gets warm enough, although now it’s so faded it just kinda looks like a tiny bruise.

What about you? Any medical horror stories to share? Let me know in the comments.

How do you people find me?

Apparently people are still reading this blog. Nearly 7,000 people have visited this blog to this date. *Blushes deeply* Shucks guys. I really do appreciate every single person who reads my stuff (I appreciate you more if you comment). But that begs the question, where on earth do you all find me?

Looking at the google search engine keywords list, a lot of people come here looking for instructions on how to build a fence out of pvc pipes, because of that one post I did 3 years ago, which had nothing to do with building a fence out of pvc pipes. I get that.

But that doesn’t explain the vast majority of people who just show up and read my stuff randomly. I don’t publish regularly anywhere else. Like 10 people have bought my novelette on Amazon, so no one’s coming here from there. You can’t all be people who see me on Facebook as I only have 80 likes on my page there (where they came from is another conversation entirely).

It must be that there’s a whole bunch of you just out there floating around in the nebulous void known as “the internet,” and you occasionally bump into my posts and like them. Which is cool, I suppose.

Don’t mistake my puzzlement for ungratefulness. The fact that random people I don’t know come to like my posts makes me the happiest person ever. I just don’t understand why.

So let me ask you guys. Where do you come from? How did you manage to find me. For an added bonus, what’s been your favorite of my posts?

Don’t Starve. Don’t Panic. Die Anyway.

From the title, you can probably guess which game I’ve been playing lately. Don’t Starve is an indie survival game from Klei Entertainment. And it is BRUTAL.

The point of the game is to survive for as long as you can. There are people who do this incredibly well.


And then there’s me, who can’t make it past day 25 without freezing to death. That’s if I avoid the spiders, the lightning, and accidentally ticking off a whole bunch of pigmen and being pummeled to death.

Here are some things that have killed me more than once:

Darkness: 6 times. Feels like every time.

Spiders: 3 times. Fun fact: I once set a forest on fire to avoid spiders. A perfectly reasonable response in the game and reality.

Freezing: 2 times. Because winter is a harsh, demanding witch who won’t let me be a vegetarian.

Stupidest things that have killed me: Frogs, plants, mushrooms, and food.

And yes, I have starved to death. But so far, that only happened once. For a game called Don’t Starve it’s interesting to note that starving is usually the least of my worries. So far, the hardest thing to survive has been the darkness. I keep forgetting to get the fire going before the lights go out.

The most frustrating death I have experienced so far was when I was well set up to survive the winter, and then the lights went out. I quickly made a torch and then realized I had too much in my inventory. I frantically tried to drop something but I couldn’t, because of the darkness. I had to watch as the darkness ate me knowing that maybe I could have survived the winter if I had just lit the bloody fire two seconds earlier.

This game hates me.

Don't starve fire.png

I have done this many times. Mostly by accident.

That said, I am getting better. I’m getting better incredibly slowly, but it’s happening. Like anything in life, surviving Don’t Starve requires a lot of practice. And a great home location. And a metric ton of luck.

Yep, it’s just like life, actually.

So if you’re thinking about trying to play Don’t Starve, here’s a few tips to remember.

1. The Pigs are your smelly, greedy friends

Build your base near the pigs, but not right on top of them, because like most good friends, they will eat all your food if given the chance. But, they are great sources of manure (hopefully not like your friends), and you can always run to them if you need help. If something mean is chasing you, run to your piggy friends and they will murder it for you. This is how I have survived every hound attack. Just don’t attack them, even by accident. You will die.

2. Stock up for winter

If you want to survive longer than me, you’re going to have to prepare for winter. I’m not going to tell you how to do it, because I haven’t figured it out myself. I understand the principle behind surviving winter, but in practice, it’s a little less clear. The last game I played, I am pretty sure I could have survived off of the massive amount of tallbird eggs nearby, but then the darkness took me, so I’ll never know.

3. Make sure to set up your camp soon

If you haven’t made your camp by day five, you’ll be over run by hounds with no where to go. From what I understand, it’s recommended you build walls to stave off these attacks, but the last time I tried, I got half a wall and then ran into it and was eaten alive… So, do your own thing. I’m clearly no expert here.

Above all, if you’re going to play this game, have fun. It’s cruel, unforgiving, rage-inducing game that loves to hate you, but hey, you paid for it. It is fun, once you stop wanting to throw your computer across the room.

Treat it like a contest with yourself. If you immediately try to go for the 1,000-day mark, you’re going to end up demoralized fairly quickly. Just try to beat yourself. Just not with your computer, no matter how much you may want to.