Thoughts on not dating until I was 21

I’m one of those weirdos who never dated until they were an adult. At this point, I’m starting to think that was better for me.

A little background first. I was homeschooled, and although I went to a small co-op all through high school, my dating pool was somewhat… shall we say, limited. There were a few cute guys around, but either they weren’t interested in me, or I was far too focused on school to notice any interest. So I ended up not dating in high school.

Honestly, looking back at the person that I was then, I’m really glad. I was busy figuring out who I was and learning to make friends again after getting bullied heavily in middle school. I didn’t know what kind of guy I needed or what kind of relationship I wanted. I firmly believe that if I’d dated back then, one of us would have ended up with our heart broken.

Speaking of broken hearts, getting one seems to be a general expectation for life as a young person. I’m not sure why, but our society seems to expect young people to go through break-ups and get their hearts broken. My guess is that it probably has something to do with the fact that a lot of teens and even younger kids do date.

Kids and teens are dumb. That’s just a fact of life. I was dumb then too. If you stick two young and dumb people together that early in life, it seems inevitable that someone’s going to get hurt. Thankfully, I avoided that.

Now, I’m not saying it was all sunshine and roses. I was lonely a lot of the time and after I was single for, oh you know, all my life, I started really wanting someone to love. But after all that, finally finding that person is all the more sweeter for the waiting.

It’s wonderful getting to be with someone as mature as I am. Sure, we can be goofy and playful at times, but at the same time, we can avoid the petty, immature, angsty teen stuff that we’d have been going through if we had been dating in high school. High school is an scary time, and adding dating someone just as young and inexperienced as you on top of everything else you are going through can put a lot of pressure on a person.

I want to say that there’s nothing inherently wrong with dating when you’re younger. For some people, it can work out. But for many more the pressure of life as a teen ends up being more than enough to force a break-up.

So if there are any younger people out there reading this blog and you’re feeling bad because you’ve never dated anyone, stop. There’s nothing wrong with waiting until you are older. One day, you will understand more about yourself, your beliefs, and what you need in a significant other.

And trust me, when you do find that special person, it will be all the more amazing for having waited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A tale of two songs: “How to Save a Life” and “Oh My Dear”

*Obligatory “Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. My bad; I have a life now. Yes, I think it’s weird, too.” statement*

I’m not sure how many people are going to know these two bands or songs, so I’ll post the videos for them just in case. I’ll be analyzing Tenth Avenue North’s “Oh My Dear”…

 

 

…and The Fray’s “How to Save a Life.”

 

I happen to have both songs on my Spotify list, and the other day, they came up one after the other. I realized how similar they were to each other. Or rather, that they were about the same situation, but taken in opposite directions with different results.

Both songs start out with the protagonist of the song having a friend who has some secret sin and needs to repent. But the protagonist of each song deals with confronting this person in completely different ways.

First, I’ll look at The Fray’s song. The song begins by the protagonist inviting the friend to talk about his issues. It’s obvious from the beginning of the song that neither party wants to be there. The protagonist feels an obligation to confront his friend. He’s not doing it out of love.

As the song continues, the protagonist starts to wonder why he came. The friend isn’t listening and even worse, the protagonist isn’t listening.

The protagonist tries to “slip past” his friend’s defenses, but he isn’t interesting in listening to any reasons that he may have for doing what he did. All the protagonist seems interested in is telling his friend again what’s he’s been doing wrong. Which he apparently already knows.

The song ends with the protagonist telling his friend that he can either “drive until you lose the road” or ditch all of his other friends (personally, neither of those sound like good alternatives to me). As the chorus plays one more time, the protagonist wonders where he went wrong and realizes that maybe he might have kept his friend if he had taken the time to listen.

The song is beautiful and sad and paints a completely different picture from the one in “Oh My Dear.” Even with just the names of the songs, you can start to understand what makes these two songs so different, despite similar subjects.

The first song refers to the friend as “a life.” The term is cold and clinical, which is basically the approach that the protagonist takes to dealing with his friend’s secret sin. But in the second song, the friend is called “my dear.” This person is someone special to the protagonist, and he talks about loving his friend no matter what. This, I think, is what makes the difference in the scenario that follows.

From the beginning, the protagonist is more patient and caring with his friend. Instead of calling up the friend to confront her, he calls up just to talk. In this case, it’s the approachability of the protagonist that makes the friend want to reveal her secrets.

The protagonist of “Oh My Dear” goes to extraordinary lengths, walking for miles in the snow to personally talk to his distraught friend. And when he gets there, he doesn’t try to run down the list of things the friend is doing wrong. He listens, patiently.

He holds his friend as she shakes and reassures her that nothing she has done will stop him from still loving her. He tells her that he isn’t going anywhere until she gets everything off her chest.

And she does. She tells him the secrets that have been eating her up inside, and instead of offering judgment, he offers compassion. He stays up with her all night, because he knows that that’s how you save a friend’s life.

It’s a lesson that the protagonist of the first song learned too late (and if you read between the lines of the music video, tragically too late).

I love these two songs because I think we can learn a lot from both of them. The truth is that life can be messy. Sometimes, patiently waiting won’t be how you save a life. Sometimes, people need tough love.

But more often than not, I think, learning to listen is the better option. In our loud, judgmental culture, offering to quietly listen might just be what a friend needs to be able to confront what they already know they’re doing wrong.